Dear Still Arguing:  Learning how to navigate life together as a team while respecting each other’s individuality should help reduce the frequency of arguments in your relationship. That you both are revisiting arguments by criticizing each other’s communication skills is indicative that you both need to work on your conflict resolution skills and addressing the core issues that are causing your arguments. 

If you feel yourself getting out of sorts over something your spouse did or didn’t do or you’re feeling slighted by something he said, give yourself time to sift through your feelings and formulate your thoughts on how best to communicate your feelings to your spouse and encourage him to do the same. Look for solutions that feel like a win-win for both of you and don’t push for an immediate resolution. Be flexible on what a satisfactory resolution looks like. Sometimes, what seems like a good solution doesn’t work in practice, so set clear next steps and boundaries for revisiting the issue.

Be empathetic towards each other and avoid starting difficult conversations when it is obvious that you or your spouse is not in the right mindset. If one of you is already tired or irritated, starting a difficult conversation will likely only exacerbate those feelings. Acknowledge that the conversation needs to be had and ask for time to unwind before talking about it. 

Finally, address the communication skills that clearly are not working for the two of you. Before ending a discussion or argument, ask each other if there is anything else that needs to be said or discussed about the matter and end it with a hug or saying I love you.