DEAR IDA: My sister and I are in a cold war over money. When our mom passed, we inherited a small amount and agreed to “keep it for emergencies,” but she’s dipped into it twice for things I consider wants, not needs. I’m furious, but every time I try to bring it up, she accuses me of “loving money more than family,” and we end up yelling or not speaking for weeks. How do I protect our shared finances without blowing up what’s left of our relationship? – Sara in Jennings, LA.

DEAR SARA:  While probate and succession laws vary by state, growing tensions among family members after a death seems universal, especially if the decedent died without a Will. Even a well-planned, detailed Will can cause divisions among family members if the Will gives latitude to the executor in making disbursements to heirs or the decedent’s Will specifically excludes an heir from an inheritance. Schedule a time to meet with your sister, perhaps a lunch date, to let her know that you feel the shared inheritance is causing a rift between the two and to discuss your options.

One option available to you and your sister would be to place the assets in a Trust that is managed by a third-party trustee. The terms of the Trust can stipulate the amounts and frequencies of the distributions as well as name successive beneficiaries should either you or your sister die before the Trust assets are depleted. The Trust can be revocable or non-revocable. You can work with your sister on selecting a firm to draft the Trust and selecting an impartial Trustee that will act in the best interest of both of you. If the two of you cannot agree on the terms for a Trust that lists you as co-beneficiaries, you could consider having two separate Trusts.

If your sister is not agreeable to a Trust, a partition of the property may be the most prudent route for maintaining your family’s harmony. Your sister will likely be amenable to a partition since it will give her full control over her own inheritance. Getting her to agree to offsetting the amounts that she’s already received may be another story. If the amounts are nominal, it may be worth your peace of mind to simply split the remaining amount 50/50. If the amount that she’s already disbursed to herself is sizeable and an offset is worth pursuing on your part, I suggest you seek counsel from an attorney that specializes in probate or succession law. Be prepared for any legal process to be lengthy and for the assets to be placed into the custody of an intermediary until the dispute is resolved.