DEAR IDA: I love my husband’s parents, but they are in our business all the time. They drop by unannounced, comment on how we’re raising our kids, and “joke” about how things were done better in their day. My husband hates confrontation and tells me to “let it go,” but I’m starting to dread holidays and even simple weekends because I feel like a guest in my own life. How do I set real boundaries with my in-laws without turning myself into the family villain? – BRENDA P.

BRENDA P.  You need to set boundaries with your in-laws and your husband’s participation in setting those boundaries is a must. The longer you wait to address unexpected visits and unwelcome “helpful hints,” the more entrenched the pattern becomes. To get your husband onboard, schedule a time to discuss the matter when there won’t be any distractions. Be specific when explaining your frustrations while acknowledging your in-laws good intentions. Don’t use the discussion as an opportunity to vent on other frustrations. Be prepared to make the rules universal for both sides of the family. If both sets of in-laws exhibit the same habits, meet with them at the same time. Having the conversation only once will be less stressful for you and your husband and both sets of parents will see that they are not being singled out.

The website porch.com has an article that is chock-full of statistics on in-law relationships. According to its survey, only 14.3% of couples wished their in-laws lived farther away from them. Having family members nearby can be a blessing when you are needing help with childcare or house sitting. Understanding why your in-laws may be popping in may help make the conversation on limiting visits easier. It could be that they are feeling lonely or are beginning to feel less useful as they age. Offer to schedule weekly or monthly outings with your in-laws. You can alternate having dinner at your house, eating out and meeting at their house. You can also have weekly phone calls with your in-laws to keep them abreast of what activities you have coming up. They may be less likely to pop in unannounced if they know that you will not have time to visit.

While getting your in-laws more involved in your kids’ activities seems counterintuitive to reducing unsolicited parenting advise, giving them more involvement may cut down on the criticism. The underhanded jokes may be a coping mechanism or a learned behavior from experiences with their own in-laws. Invite them to sporting events or school activities. Ask them to help with school drop-off and pick-up duties. By allowing them more involvement, you can create a sense of unity. If the criticisms continue, respectfully acknowledge your in-laws opinion and politely reinforce your parenting style by pointing out examples in which your techniques work.