Dear Ida: I just had a very hard surgery recovery and still in recovery. I haven’t gotten the all clear for intimacy with my husband. He has been making small hurtful comments and I have tried to talk to him but it hasn’t helped. I love him and we have been together awhile. He went as far as to tell me he will go find him someone to give him sex. Am I wrong for being upset? I love him and we have kids together. I don’t know what to do but I am devastated. – Devastated Wife

Dear Devastated: Any time a spouse is less than sympathetic to a situation that is out of your control can be hurtful. Sometimes, the longer the marriage, the hollower the vows of “for richer or poorer, in sickness and health” seem. According to the website PsychologyToday, marriages are about seven times more likely to end when the wife becomes ill than when the husband does. Do not lose hope, though. The same research that is the subject of the article found that most marriages do not end in divorce after a spouse becomes ill, even when the wife is the patient.

Open communication about what you are experiencing in your recovery is vital. Let your husband know that your marriage is important and that his comments are hurtful. His comments may be coming from a place of insecurity or fear that you’ve lost interest in him or in engaging in sexual activities. If open communication about touchy subjects doesn’t come easily for you or your husband, the website marriage.com has a very good article with tips on dealing with a lack of empathy in relationships.

I highly recommend you ask your husband to attend your next follow-up appointment with you. Ask your doctor to explain the procedure that you underwent to your husband, what complications you may experience during your recovery and also what a realistic timeline for your recovery looks like. If you don’t have a follow-up appointment scheduled soon, call your doctor to schedule an appointment at a time that your husband can attend with you, the sooner the better. Having a medical professional explain the risks you might face should you engage in sexual activities prior to being medically released should help your husband understand that your hesitancy is not related to a lack of desire or interest on your part.

If your interest in sexual intercourse has diminished since your procedure, let your doctor know and discuss your options such as pelvic floor physical therapy. Pelvic floor physical therapy uses specialized exercises, manual therapy, and education to help women strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and improve muscle coordination. It can also help with symptoms including pain during sex, vaginal discomfort, and lower back or hip pain. You may also benefit from Estrogen replacement therapy (ERT).

If your husband is unwilling to attend your next doctor’s appointment with you, ask your doctor to provide you with reading material about your procedure that you can discuss with your husband. Until you are released from your doctor, try practicing intimacy that doesn’t involve sex. You can ask your doctor for information on this topic or ask for a referral for a couples therapist.